Don't read this! I Am Renji
by sickphilosophy
Summary: DON'T READ THIS! I'M CURRENTLY RE-EDITING! Are you well, Renji?" she asked. "Don't worry, Rukia. I'm fine," answered Ichigo.
1. Her Regrets

**Hi bleachers. This is my gazilliumpdeedumpteenth time I've atempted to make a multi-chaptered and...  
fun fact : I've never finished one ever.  
Just to note, this will probably be the longest chapter and I bet you there will be a very large time interval before each chapter is made. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach. Mom won't let me buy them because she says my smile is already white.**

* * *

He fell apart seeing her like this. 

Kurosaki Ichigo had, countless of times, saved Rukia. He had faced battles thought impossible, reached ideas too awesome to be real, and had even kissed death, becoming a hollow to save her. Whether he knew it or not, Ichigo had secretly committed himself to protecting this girl from anything that came her way. But there was nothing he could do right now. There were no battles to face, no words to say. The power and strength he had gained had ultimately become void. For once, Ichigo could do nothing to save her.

His energy had surged outward for the reason of hating _him_. _He_ was the one who did this to Rukia; the one who had reached into her body, ate her from the inside out, and caused her to hysterically push away anybody who wanted to help her.

Rukia collapsed on the floor, screaming her heart out at the cold ground.

And all he could do was watch.

Ichigo had suddenly hated the one, Abarai Renji.

----------------

"Hoi, Kurosaki."

Ichigo was in the school library during lunch, he didn't feel like eating, so he had substituted his time outside with the time reading. He looked up to see his red-headed friend.

"Nnn. What's up?"

The lieutenant shifted his weight to one side and tucked his hands into the back pockets of his jeans. He looked mildly uncomfortable, but gnawed out a smile within his tatooed head. For a minute, to Ichigo, the situation looked like Renji was going to propose. He immediately shook the idea firmly out of his head and buried himself back to his manga.

"Sit in a chair, people don't want to see your ass all high up."

"I'd rather I stand." Renji surpressed a violent reaction into a small twitch in his left eyebrow.

"Fine."

Ichigo took a glimpse at the Marlboro pack loosely showing from Renji's sweatshirt pocket.

"Not trying to be a pansy or anything, but if the principal saw you with that, you'd die."

"O-oh, yea. I know. It's empty," Renji slipped it out of his pocket and took a look at it. " I quit..."

"When?"

"Like, yesterday I guess. I decided to used all of them until they were gone. "

"Gee whiz, aren't you proud?"

"Shut up, don't talk out of place when you know I'm totally better than you at anything." He gave no room for Ichigo to comment as he asked, "Where's Rukia?"

"Che. I see her way too much. I gave her to Inoue." Ichigo went back into his book. "Can you leave now? The bell's gonna ring."

And Renji left.

Just like that.

Terrible.

----------------

Inoue Orihime watched as Rukia tapped her tennis ball meekly against the wall. Her eyes sparkled as she laughed.

"Kuchiki-San! You must hit the ball harder if you want it to come back. Here, let me show you."

Orihime gently took the racket from Rukia and tossed the ball over her head. She hit the ball with a solid amount of strength and loosened her form for the next hit. Her hair twirled around her body as she twisted her torso and hit the ball firmly again. She was an amazing sports player, and showed absolutely no effort. Rukia smiled and quietly sat on the bench next to her and Orihime's empty bentos.

A few minutes later the full-figured girl turned when she heard a small gasp from the bench and turned to Rukia, concerned. "Kuchiki-San, is it a hollow?"

"Nn? Oh, no. I feel Ren-" Rukia was interrupted by the bell claiming lunch was over. Orihime's eyes widened and stuffed Rukia's racket into the tennis bag and ran off. She called after her friend. "Gomenesai, Rukia! I have a test that I haven't studied for! I have to get to class early!"

"It's okay! I'll clean up the things here." She gave a wry laugh and picked up the bentos from the bench. Slowly heading to the trash can, Rukia felt a riatsu behind her.

"Renji. I haven't seen you in ages." She didn't turn around. But felt the smile take over the boy's face.

"Most of our classes are so different... I took a look at the student rank list." Renji continued in a mocking voice, "I'm very disappointed that the daughter of the noble Kuchiki Clan is such an average student in a school of only mortals. Shame ain't it?"

"Hey, maybe that's just my cover." Rukia replied. He chuckled and Rukia continued. "I have to get to class."

"Can you skip?"

"Not really."

"Oh." Renji's smile slowly faded and observed Rukia was strong, focused eyes. Rukia had taken noticed, and asked with much concern.

"Renji, are you okay??"

The two-minute bell rang and Rukia's violet eyes dilated. Before Renji was about to say no, Rukia ran off, hurrying to class. "I can't be late," she called.

"I see."

That was the end of their last conversation. It hardly was even worthy to be called a conversation. There was no passion, no meaty information, no color or emotion that had been reached into their body and let out. It was simply a light, dull conversation shared by two teenagers that could have said much more. And that was what Rukia had regretted the most about the whole situation.

Wait. No.

It wasn't.

Rukia regretted something even more. Rukia had, now guiltily admitted, gradually pushed her best friend away from her life. Meeting new people the first time she had entered Karakura, Rukia had created strong bonds with new characters; one in particular. Maybe it was the affect of being so earth-bounded for such a long time, but Rukia's heart seemed to limit him out. She slowly by slowly nudged time spent with Renji for other things. And soon, his invitations for her were completely ignored. It must of hurt for Renji, she thought. Rukia knew that Renji was never open to most people, and the only person living that he would tell his troubles to was Rukia. She felt stupid that she had only come to this term now.

And then Rukia realized the whole reason this had happened:

that she, the lifeline from him to the rest of the world, abandoned him;

that she, starting a new life in the living world, forgot to include him;

that she, choosing to solve other people's problems besides Renji's, ignored him;

and that she, Kuchuki Rukia, had shunned Renji enough to a death.

Rukia came to an equation of what led to Renji's suicidal decision. And there, in front of his burial, amidst shinigami that couldn't relate to her feeling, realized...

She had killed her best friend.

The death of a shinigami by suicide always had a certain scent in Seiretei. It was pleasant, but made you feel heavy, as if you were ashamed to be in the presence of such a glorious scent. And although is was such a content feeling, it was able to burden you as you walked around.

Rukia, violet eyes wide, was absolutely stolen of spirit.

She had absolutely no feeling to express Renji's death.

So she had absolutely no feeling to express at all.

----------------

Pedals seemed to fly in the air among the white dressed shinigami walking around busily. It had been a few hours after the burial of lieutenant Abarai Renji, and people had seem to continue on with life as if nothing had happened. But the death of Renji held a burden with many people.

Ichigo, hands firmly stuffed in his pockets, looked outward on to the Seireitei courtyard. Orihime, who had finished her chat with Ishida and Chad, came slowly towards her classmate. "Kurosaki-kun..." The beautiful girl had planned on what she was going to say, but her voice faded when she saw his amber eyes smolder. She reluctantly continued, "We're heading home now. It's late, you know. We should... we shou-"

"Please go on without me, Inoue-san. I'm staying for a while longer."

Orihime noted mentally that he did not say, "_little_ while longer."

"Hai."

"Tell Chad that when gets home, to call my family and tell them that I'm sleeping over his house."

Orihime, not knowing how else to answer, just nodded and left. She had no idea how to handle Ichigo. And even more, she had no idea how to handle him when something like this happened. Orihime knew that she wasn't the person Kurosaki-kun was closest to. And when she thought about the person who was, her heart skipped a beat.

_How?_ How was Kuchiki-san able to get so close to Ichigo in the small time they had known each other? And why was Orihime, trying to break his wall for years, not even able to make a dent in his life?

_Rukia would have been able to convince him to come home._

In fact, Rukia could and _had_ seeped into everyone. And Orihime still had trouble trying to make an effort with just one person. How did Rukia do all this? What would she be able to say? Was it the way she looked at you? The way she spoke so that you would be able to quote every sentence she said?

How did Rukia seem to understand everybody's problems? Rukia knew how to break walls and immediately find out what the person needed. And for Ichigo, Rukia didn't just understand him, she changed his life forever, just by entering into the picture. Orihime felt a pang of jealousy as she headed towards her other two friends. Orihime knew that they all needed Rukia.

"Is he coming?" Ishida asked, but knew the answer. Orihime shook her head.

The three left, present when the pedals twirled around and around in the air.

"Kurosaki-kun..."

----------------

Hands still in pockets, Kurosaki was leaning against the wall, scanning the courtyard for Rukia. She was behind her brother, staring dumbly at the back of his cloak. She looked like a small child, very tiny and innocent-looking. Kuchiki Byakuya was talking with a few other captains, Soi Fon-Taichou, Kurostuchi-Taichou, and Hisagi-Taichou. When they walked away, he spotted Ichigo across the courtyard.

"Ichigo, come here."

The human headed to Byakuya, glancing at Rukia for a moment. He took notice that she had not reacted to his name, which he usually loved looking out for.

"Do you remember where my office was?" The captain spoke.

"Hnn." Ichigo nodded coolly. Byakuya placed both of his hands on his sister's shoulders and gently pushed her towards Ichigo's arms. Ichigo, surprised, took her.

"Take her to my office, she's not able to lead herself right now. Hold her." Byakuya placed his hand on her head but spoke to Ichigo. "I need to talk to the General about who will take Abarai's place. I need a lieutenant at these times."

"Yea."

Ichigo dismissed himself and took Rukia's hand to drag her to her brother's office.

----------------

Walking with nothing to say, Ichigo looked at Rukia, who was not looking at anything. Loosing her resemblance of a child, she began to seem more like a rag doll. Dull and withdrawn, she had to be led everywhere, staring at nothing.

Rukia had no expression, and it wasn't that she was hiding them. It was that she had none. Rukia was completely blank.

Ichigo entered the office with her. He slid the door closed and sat her down on the couch in front of Kuchiki's office desk. As he was thinking about leaving her there and going home, he forced to tell himself that Rukia was in no condition to be left alone for any minute. So he turned back and sat cross-legged on the floor in front of her.

He debated whether or not she was aware what was going on. He stared into her eyes, thinking that maybe he could find her in those irises and pull her out. But they looked so deep that all he saw was pure violet.

"Unh..."

He jolted backwards in surprise, so excited and anxious she had made a sound. "R-Rukia..." Ichigo slowly stood up waiting for the girl to say more.

"Where is Nee-Sama?"

"He is talking with Yamamoto."

There was an interval of a silent seconds

"...Souka."

There was more silence, and Ichigo prayed desperately that Rukia would say something quick. He was afraid that if she didn't keep in contact with anybody, she would get lost in the memories she had been thawing out of the past, and they wouldn't be able to find her. Talking was the only sign of contact she had with the world right now. And it was such a touble finding her out of those deep colored eyes.

"Are you well, Rukia?"

Ichigo waited as Rukia pressed the back of her hand to her mouth.

"Yes. Arigatou."

The fifteen-year-old boy hesitated as he decided to leave, taking little steps to the door.

"I'll see you later then."

Rukia suddenly turned to Ichigo, latching eye to eye. She looked surprise, and then analyzed him for a long while. Eventually, she whispered, in the same tone she could have used as if she had figured out a brilliant plan.

"Yea."

* * *

**Ehh, my first fanfiction in two years. Can you believe? Yea. I actually think it's a little dry. I need JUIIIIIICCEEEE!! Oh well. Review in any type of way you want. Flames are well-appreciated. So is criticism. Thanks! **


	2. Her Return

**I'm going to get right into it, so...  
Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, if I did I'd totally make Renji quit smoking. It's his only flaw. (You can obviously tell my life revolves around Renji. He's my favorite character next to Rukia, Yoruichi, Kaien, and Soifon )**

* * *

"Baka..." 

"THE HELL YOU CALL ME!?" Ichigo tossed his desk upside down and glared into his classmate's eyes.

"Baka..."

"SAY IT AGAIN, ISHIDA! I FRIGGIN' DARE YA!!!!" The two teenagers were now nose to nose.

Ishida stood up out of his chair and stood in an offensive stance. "Ba!-umph."

Chad had stepped into the scenario; with his left hand, he had stuffed a sandwich into Ishida's mouth. With his right hand, he cupped Ichigo's snarling face.

"Ishida, eat your sandwich. Ichigo, sit down."

The three boys were in the empty classroom, eating their lunch. It had been about two weeks since Renji's death, and twelve days since anybody in Karakura had last seen Rukia.

The reason Ichigo and Ishida had been shouting foolish words down each other had absolutely no good point. They were just trying their best to keep the sound going.

Because that was all they were able to do.

Laughter was always told to be the best medicine when a sad situation had come up, but laughter was too far away right now, and they did their best by just making noise. Any kind of noise, actually. They needed something to fill in the silence, even if it was just some random shouting or foolish words. Anything worked besides silence.

Because, right now, silence felt too close to mourning.

----------------

"Fascinating..." Tatsuki rubbed her thumb against her chin, thinking. "Chicken Pox, you say. I didn't know people still get it. It must be really bad for her to be gone this long."

"Yup, poor Kuchiki-san. I told her to get her vaseline shot.

"_Vaccine_ shot, Orihime."

Having lunch alone underneath a tree, Orihime felt secure. Tatsuki was her best friend, and being alone with her felt nice. And even more, because Tatsuki didn't know so much about Soul Society, she never brought it up, and that was what Orihime needed right now.

"Choco-fish paste for your rice, Tatsuki?" She generously pushed the box into her friends face.

Orihime was still getting used to the fact of Renji not being present. She hadn't known him well. They hardly ever talked. But Renji was always with the crew, tagging along and talking vigorously with Kurosaki-kun. Orihime knew she had taken him for granted, and when he was no longer there, it felt so awkward.

Like the emptiness of the gap when your tooth comes out, she thought in analogy.. It was a silly way to compare the situation, but it felt like exactly that. It would take a long time until she got used to it.

"Eheheheh... no thanks, Orihime. What ever happened to Abarai-san?"

"He got accepted to that school in America."

"Oh."

Saying those words stung. Orihime had never tried to hide a death before. It felt like she had murdered someone, and was hiding the body.

Oh how burdening...

----------------

Under the Sakura tree in the park, she heard the distant bell of the school. Her eyes glittered in excitement. Getting up, she patted the dirt away off her yellow sundress and walked to the middle school, ignoring the loud ringing of her katana phone. She grinned with a combination of colorlessness and insanity. The girl took out a note from her pocket and analyzed it. Finally she spoke, "This must be it."

----------------

"Damn." The captain flipped his phone in as much frustration as he let show. He got up and dialed the number again. Byakuya was leaning against the wall, watching the silver-haired man pace around the room.

"Ukitake, she's not picking up?"

"Not at all. This is serious. I'm not sure what I can do. If Rukia-chan reaches Kurosaki... I'm not sure..." Ukitake's voice faded out and reached for deep thought.

"Call again. If not, I'll handle it."

"How will you?"

Kuchiki looked up at the ceiling for a minute, thinking. "Kisuke is in a few distances from the Kurosaki Medical Center. I'll contact him." As he was about to leave the office, Ukitake's voice caught up with him.

"Byakuya... she's your sister. You must know her most. So I thought I should ask the question to you... do you think she'll stay like this?"

Ukitake then stayed silent, waiting for a reply. He wasn't sure if he had asked his question correctly. He felt a few seconds of relief that Yakut had answered, but as he continued on with his answer, the sicked man felt ashamed that he had opened his mouth.

"Taichou," Byakuya began, "thank you for thinking I'm the one to be asked that question." He turned to his friend.

"But I must tell you, Jushiro. I have no right to answer that question. The people who have known Rukia-chan the most... who can answer that and help her..."

Ukitake's eyes widened. He realized where the answer was going at. He finished the sentence for the 6th division captain.

"Are all... dead?"

Byakuya kept quiet, and then continued on walking. "I'm calling Urahara."

----------------

Ichigo breathed in the cherry blossoms as he walked pass them. Strolling through the Sakuras gave him the genuine feeling of serenity he hadn't felt for a long time. It was peaceful, but too quiet for him, so he had his Kana-S on and had one earphone pocketed in his ear. It was on so loud he almost didn't hear _her_ voice.

"I missed you..."

Ichigo's eyes dilated and he turned his head sharply. "R..Rukia..."

It was her. It was Rukia. Ichigo smiled and watched the as the wind had slowly swayed her hair and dress.

"I can't believe it." he said quietly. The shinigami grinned and tucked one side of her hair behind her ear.

"You should." She said. There was a distance between them, but Rukia broke it when she started running to Ichigo, and hugged him tightly. Ichigo, without any hesitation, embraced her.

----------------

"Nee...NEE-SAN!!" Kon's mouth dropped to the floor as Ichigo opened the door to his room and let Rukia in. "NEE-SAN! I missed you so much!! Do you know how horrible this stupid boy's been treating me without you?!? I missed you and your relaxing valleys!!" Kon attempted his infamous valley plunge, but stopped in midair.

"N-Nee-san? This is the exact distance where you're supposed to kick me..." Rukia laughed and grabbed a paw of Kon's, shaking it lightly.

"Hehe, It's nice to see you too, Kon." She walked away toward Ichigo, still leaving Kon suspended in the air. The plushie whispered in a shocked voice, "This must be some new level of sarcasm..." and then dropped to the floor.

Ichigo smiled at Rukia, and Rukia smiled back. The tiny girl tilted her head and observed, "You look different. You're smiling more."

The boy leaned against his desk with his arms folded loosely., "I'm just glad that you're here. You just couldn't believe how awkward the week had been without you..and..."

Ichigo looked up at Rukia's face, concerned if he had hit an emotional nerve by saying so. He first felt at ease when Rukia didn't seem affected, but there was also something in her expression that puzzled him so much. It happened to be a look she had never given him before. She was smiling at him, but it wasn't one of those friendship smiles, it seemed...

_deeper_.

And although Ichigo liked it, he felt awkward. Ichigo scratched the back of his head. "Damn it, Rukia. I think you did something to me." He joked and laughed nervously. The look was still in Rukia's smile.

"I happen to do that a lot." she teased.

Ichigo then realized where he had seen it before.

The human expression Ichigo had just seen in Rukia was the face of girl classmates in his Junior High. He had seen many girls give him that look; the girls who giggled a lot and constantly asked Ichigo what he was doing the following night. And although Rukia was less girly and was the least person to ever _giggle..._

Ichigo had matched her expression and concluded Rukia was... adoring him.

And of course, Ichigo, who had a problem of thinking out loud, accidentally poured his thoughts into dialog..

"You look like you're in love, Rukia." he let out. Ichigo's body tensed when he heard what he was saying. And he felt amazingly stupid. Damn it, he thought.

Rukia's smile flushed out of her face, and instead was replaced by surprise and wonder. As Rukia began to blush, she unlatched the eye contact she had with him and looked around. She found Kon on the floor, again with his jaws dropped onto the floor.

"Nee...san..."

Rukia turned away from Ichigo, but turned back just as quickly and placed her hands on his chest. Ichigo tightened his body and uncurled his hands, but leaving them in total confusion of where to put them. Rukia looked down but found her way to Ichigo's eyes. "I'm sorry I took so long to realize it."

Did she really say that? This couldn't be happening. But just in case it was, he decided to make the best of it.

"Kon, get out of the room."

Rukia smiled and pressed her lips with Ichigo's, who returned the kiss much more passionately.

So this was what Rukia tasted like, Ichigo thought.

She tasted amazing.

He felt his arms wrap around her waist, and Rukia's hands had climbed up and grasped his orange hair, a corner of Ichigo's mouth smirked, and deepened the kiss even more. Rukia responded by parting her lips.

When they finally separated, they were gasping for air, and Ichigo breathed out, "I love you, Rukia." There was a smirk on Ichigo's face; and he was sure it wouldn't get off his face anytime soon. But that was before she had said,

"I love you too, Renji."

* * *

**I didn't notice how painful it is to actually write a multi-chapter. Teehee, it feels weird. Third chapter is coming up, hopefully I'll update faster. Thank you! Also Happy Valentine's Day!  
**


	3. Her Truth

**And since neither knows who the other really is. There will be no issues between the two**

* * *

Ichigo had finished reading the note given to him. He looked up at Urahara Kisuke, about to say something, but went immediately back to the note. He read it over again before saying, reluctantly.

"Yo, she's insane."

--

_"Renji..."_

Ichigo thought back to how Rukia had said his name. It wasn't a joke. She totally believed that he was Renji. Ichigo was reading the note Rukia had stuffed in her sun dress before meeting him at school (It was confiscated from Kuchiki-Taichou). And now, looking at what was written on it, Ichigo came up with the solution that Rukia had gone completely mad.

And this was why he was here, back in Soul Society, meeting the Squads once again. Ichigo rooted outside, leaning on a big, white-blossomed tree. He looked away from the paper and to the ground, staring hard as he grinded his teeth.

Urahara was standing in front of Ichigo. He admired the energy Ichigo was putting into his thinking, and relieved the work by confirming Ichigo's thoughts:

"So do you understand, Ichigo, what that is?"

"A bunch of bull that proves Rukia is insane..."

"Can you clarify?"

Ichigo, giving a minute before he answered, looked away to the side of a building he was standing next to. Ichigo was in front of a wide window, which was open, and saw Rukia inside. She was sitting on a cot, questioning a timid infirmiry shinigami who had offered her a pill. Ichigo smiled as he watched Rukia eventually take the pill and discreetly slip it into her pocket instead of swallowing it.

And then she looked at him.

Rukia turned to face the window and saw Ichigo outside next to the big, white tree. She looked at him for a minute, and smiled. It was one of those Rukia smiles, where she had no intention of fighting with someone that day. Ichigo never got many of those from Rukia. And he was about to smile back when he realized that she wasn't smiling at him. She was smiling at _Renji._

Ichigo, not knowing how to respond, turned away.

--

Inside the building, Byakuya had just entered in with Hitsugaya and his vice-captain, Matsumoto. Matsumoto saw Rukia and yelped. "Rukia-Chan looks absolutely adorable in that dress! Who you dressed up for, anyways?! Hmm?! "

Rukia turned red while the 10th Squad captain shot a dark look at Matsumoto. "Just trying to lighten up the mood in here," she added. "A person could get crushed under this heavy atmosphere..." She smiled jokingly and turned back to Rukia, touching and feeling the hem of her dress.

"Fukutaichou, why are you being so happy? Something is wrong with this girl." a shinigami working in the background shouted.

The Kuchiki sister, about to say something angrily, was interrupted by the orange-haired woman.

"Ha! Well I have already found the problem with Rukia. Apparently, this little girl is drunk. Rukia, when was your last Sake?"

"I'm not old enough.."

"He, never stopped me."

Hitsugaya shoved his vice-captain away. "Rangiko, OUT!" She bowed to Rukia, teasingly, and walked out of the office.

Byakuya spoke soon after. "Toshiro, what's the matter?" he spoke icily. Hitsugaya was rubbing his chin in thought and said, "Captain, may I have permission to speak to your sister in private?"

Captain Kuchiki looked at his sister, who looked back, and then at Hitsugaya. He then nodded and swifted out of the room; the shinigami followed him out and closed the door.

--

Hitsugaya pivoted around so his back faced Rukia. Rukia looked confused as he reverted back quickly and asked, "Are you drunk?"

"Hitsugaya-Taichou... no.. I'm too young."

Hitsugaya corrected her. "From now on call me Toshiro... I made everyone leave because I knew you wouldn't say you'd drink in front of your brother..." Hitsugaya faded his last words and there was a moment of silence. Rukia dangled her legs on the cot too tall for her.

"I know we're not close or anything," he continued, "but for right now I want you to listen to me, and believe everything I say. Rukia, who did you go to visit today."

Rukia stuttered fro a moment. "Uh.. Abarai-Fukutaichou."

"And he's in the real world because..."

"Because he's on guard in Karakura town in Japan. And his stay there is long so... he has to have a gigai family for disguise."

"How do you know, Rukia?"

"He told me that in the letter."

--

"Rukia wrote that letter," Urahara said to Ichigo. "Rukia isn't mad. She's simply in a deep denial. Abarai's death was so traumatic for her that she seems to do everything to keep him alive."

"That means somewhere deep down, she knows that I'm not Renji."

"Precisely."

Ichigo just stared hard at Urahara. "So... what do I do."

"You bring her to the real world. Pretend your Renji. That's all we can do for now. Meanwhile, we'll be researching. Bring her here once every week so Unohana-Taichou may assist in her therapy. Other than that... "

Urahara tugged his hat down to shadow his eyes, and he grinned something of amusement.

_**"Enjoy being Renji."**_

Ichigo's eyes widened.

* * *

**Okay, I'm really sorry, you guys! I was pondering whether to go on or leave the story as it is. I guess making a few more chapters will be good. This is a really short chapter because it's the 4th of July and this took around five hours to write. Please understand!!  
**


End file.
